See you in hell
Every major religion says that there is something after life: heaven, reincarnation, nirvana, etc. Theory: They are all wrong, and we’re already in hell.
Proof #1: Getting Dumped.
Getting dumped is like finding an expertly-placed bag of burning dog crap on your porch. Not only did you not see it coming, but when people ask why you two lovebirds aren’t together anymore, you have the awkward task of finding the best way of wording “s/he dumped my ass” in your favor.
Proof #2: Red Lights.
You’re running late. If you can make this next light, you’ll be golden, but if you don’t, you’re screwed. The light turns yellow. You floor it and go careening towards the intersection. YES! YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE IT! And then the guy in front of you hits the breaks, and the light turns red. Hello sitting still for the longest red light of your life.
Proof #3: Getting Old.
It starts with being kicked out of the ball bin at Chuck E. Cheese. Enter your new face full of acne, followed by an intense bout of body odor and hormones. Welcome the parade of grey hairs as you reach middle age (if you still have any left, that is) and open the door to your midlife crisis (don’t worry, you look really cool on that Harley). Hop on the bus to Leisure World, and hopefully those half-price senior movie tickets and bingo games will make up for your fake teeth and fading memory.
Proof #4: PMS
For anyone who’s experienced PMS or the effects of PMS, this needs no further explanation. Why employ horned little imps with pitchforks when there are premenstrual women at your disposal?
Proof #5: Life ends.
The ultimate kick in the face: Letting you think that you’re going somewhere better after you die, when really all that happens is you go into the ground.
People think that hell is all about the intense, excruciating pain, the brimstone and fire. Hell isn’t about the ostentatious suffering, it’s about the slight inconveniences that build and build, until one day when we’re fat and old we finally realize that we’re the butt of the joke.
Welcome to hell.
